Don’t promise her the stars..

..if you can’t see them yourself and never tell her you love her if love doesn’t mean the world to you. -r.m. drake

I have never really had a problem in this department. And problem I mean having someone. Only because I have settled. You never think that’s what’s happening at the time.. No, I wouldn’t look back at the pattern of jumping into one relationship to the next. Not really looking at the big picture, of why?! This is the longest I have been single since I was 14.. and it’s only been 6 months. Yes, it’s my choice. Yes, I will be better for it. But it’s depressing, sitting with myself. Even more depressing that, that’s an issue, just being with myself. And I don’t mean I need to be around people 24/7 because honestly I like my alone time. I am not one to fake a smile and laugh at your Harambe jokes just to feel a part of. But the feeling of laying my head down for the night and drifting away and thinking no one is thinking of me as they drift off too. It’s a lonely feeling.

I write all of this with 100 friend requests on FB from ‘eligible’ guys that go unanswered.  I guess I could accept them all.. at least I know I will be entertained for some time.  I guess I could download tinder. And spend my time swiping.

But I’m not settling. I don’t want another toxic relationship. The relationship where they live at my house. Where I am with them every waking moment. Where there is an outrageous amount of screaming and one smack to know this is crippling. Where the trust was never present. Where there is already enough betrayal for one lifetime.  Where I choose their fleeting validation over real love, from family and friends, every time. Just to have someone. I’d take the lonely days for that one day of empowerment. The one night where I lay my head down and drift off only thinking of myself.

 

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I am an addict;

and my name will be left unknown. I want more to offer than a name.. I want my identity to exceed a name or the phrase “I’m ____ and I am an addict.” However, the best place for me to start is the fact that I do suffer from the disease of addiction. I am a grateful to be in recovery. I am grateful that when I wake up in the morning, I don’t need something that my body doesn’t produce on its own. And, literally I mean need, can’t make it through the day, let alone get out of bed. It exceeded a want as soon as i woke up feverish, slowly realizing I was dope sick for the first time. I started using drugs to either feel more or less than, depending on the day, but usually to feel nothing at all. I ended up running from feeling, only to slam into a brick wall. Every time. Only to find; drugs and alcohol are ineffective. Every. Damn. Time. That’s really where my drug addiction stemmed from, not wanting to feel. Now, that is where this blog is stemming from. Feeling. Everything. The good, the bad (mostly bad). Because recovery is not all smiles and laughter. It’s not just turning to the next page, with a clean white sheet. The story before haunts the first 1,000 pages. Recovery is not all smiles and laughter. It is always picking yourself back up. It’s taking everything for what it is. It’s acceptance. It’s being better, because of the good and the bad. It’s reading the first 1,000 pages with the relief of each day, choosing to turn to the next clean white sheet.  A first name basis won’t happen here. Happy days, Lonely days, Silly days, Frustrating days. Feeling days. That’s what will happen here.