..if you can’t see them yourself and never tell her you love her if love doesn’t mean the world to you. -r.m. drake
I have never really had a problem in this department. And problem I mean having someone. Only because I have settled. You never think that’s what’s happening at the time.. No, I wouldn’t look back at the pattern of jumping into one relationship to the next. Not really looking at the big picture, of why?! This is the longest I have been single since I was 14.. and it’s only been 6 months. Yes, it’s my choice. Yes, I will be better for it. But it’s depressing, sitting with myself. Even more depressing that, that’s an issue, just being with myself. And I don’t mean I need to be around people 24/7 because honestly I like my alone time. I am not one to fake a smile and laugh at your Harambe jokes just to feel a part of. But the feeling of laying my head down for the night and drifting away and thinking no one is thinking of me as they drift off too. It’s a lonely feeling.
I write all of this with 100 friend requests on FB from ‘eligible’ guys that go unanswered. I guess I could accept them all.. at least I know I will be entertained for some time. I guess I could download tinder. And spend my time swiping.
But I’m not settling. I don’t want another toxic relationship. The relationship where they live at my house. Where I am with them every waking moment. Where there is an outrageous amount of screaming and one smack to know this is crippling. Where the trust was never present. Where there is already enough betrayal for one lifetime. Where I choose their fleeting validation over real love, from family and friends, every time. Just to have someone. I’d take the lonely days for that one day of empowerment. The one night where I lay my head down and drift off only thinking of myself.